1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard
stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't
sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups,
aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog,
but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it
uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think
about how you call a dog...'Killer, come here! I said
get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how
you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!'
Jeeez you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord.
A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws,
raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits.
Anything else and you are a Homo in training and
undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or
piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates
and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will
NEVER be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've
had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard
colours or four different types of dessert other than
ice cream, cake, apple pie and pussey, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember
all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse
you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than cotton, wool or denim, you are a peter
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it,
you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts
both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed
driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your
e-mail list because you are afraid of hurting their
feelings, then you are definitely on the verge of being
a salami smuggler!