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1 An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:35 pm

SSC


Admin
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, gastroenterologist, to make
an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a
color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure
to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded
thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because
my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A
TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
hold
a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall intothe hands of
America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all
I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water.
(For thos
e unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of
goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is
a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I
can
tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even eaten yet

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.



I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I
hadn't
thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see
the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left
side,
and
the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing
Queen' by ABBA.

I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha
ha,'
I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more
than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment,
I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt
even more
excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had
passed
with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed
that
the following are actual comments made by his patients=2
0(predominately
male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all.

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

2 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:16 am

Moose


Member
I BRIEFLY considered memorizing those 13 comments to epeat to my doctor while he preformes the colonoscopy exam on me until I happened to think that if I shold make him laugh to forcefully that probe he'll be using might end up knocking what's left of my teeth, loose.


---------------------- Signature ----------------------

Don't take life so seriously, loosen up and laugh once in a while.
bobrichardsa366@hotmail.com borich60 http://mooses-site.tripod.com/

3 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Mon Sep 29, 2008 4:52 pm

runawayhorses


Owner
I just now read that by Dave Barry, very funny! I loved the part about no choice but to burn your house..

4 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Mon Sep 29, 2008 11:21 pm

rosco 357


Veteran
that was funny, hey i know, but my prep was terrible but a small amount to drink but believe me powerfull stuff, i wass about to start thinking i would not be able to go to sleep, but now is the bad part, my daughters told me daddy u will not even remember me (my youngest taking me home), well i remember what they were saying during the procedure, and it hurt, i may have been half asleep, i kept saying hey i aint asleep,and heard them talking about getting a biosy here , and here, and here, but after it was over i slept like 2 hours, and got mad when the nurses tryed to wake me up. and on the way home u bet i remember, i asked my daughter to stop by the drug store, a small one that would not take long, but noooo she had to get back to work. i begged, so finally i said well i will just drive there, she said no u cant do that, well i took a couple or 3 hour nap, and drove to the drug store to start the scripts he wanted me on,,he found a benign polp, so it was agood thing, but its almost time for another one which was 5 years ago, my brother in law is my age just had his first.. adn had cancer, but got a good report,, but he is having a time, getting back to normal and never will.. so every one at age 50 needs one, oh the dr told my daughter he was giving me everthing he could to get me asleep and still keep me breathing,

5 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Mon Sep 29, 2008 11:27 pm

gypsy


Moderator
They knocked me completely out..

I don't remember anything, except when they first brought me into the surgery room..

6 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:49 am

runawayhorses


Owner
Well, I'm happy to report I never had one, and I hope I never do for cryin' out loud!

7 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:15 pm

SSC


Admin
I'm with you Tyler

8 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:26 pm

rosco 357


Veteran
runawayhorses wrote:Well, I'm happy to report I never had one, and I hope I never do for cryin' out loud!
oh when u hit 50 u need to have one, the cancer my brother in law had , the dr said it use to be a polp, if he had of had one 5 years earlier like i did , he would not have had the cancer, my sister just slept throught it all as everyone does but me, lol
my cousins wife, was just 38 and got a anemic blood report back so they did one on her, as i guess having that kind of blood report can mean that, and at the age of 38 she had colon cancer, and had 18 inches removed, and it was in her lymph node, so she had chemo, its been 7 years i think , so she is lucky, but there is always a chance it may come back, oh yes tyler u will get teh finger wave and psa blood test too,,,,lol.. i had to start that early since my dad had that cancer,

9 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Wed Oct 01, 2008 11:39 am

runawayhorses


Owner
Well maybe when I reach 50 I will but NO SOONER!

10 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:13 pm

rosco 357


Veteran
runawayhorses wrote:Well maybe when I reach 50 I will but NO SOONER!
i dont think insurance will pay before 50 unless u have a reason like blood, some insurance pay after 50 pays, but some require a reason after 50, u could do that test for blood, they check under a microscope, i have never even had one, my x wifes dr since she was i forget how old, made her do that test, in all seriousness, it can save ur life, and unlike me, it puts ppl asleep, and then ur fine after its over, i worked as most all do the next day, actually the prep day is the hardest part, but it can save ur life, i was like 52, but i was passing lots of blood, . but i was ok, ok i will hush lol

11 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Wed Oct 01, 2008 9:39 pm

runawayhorses


Owner
Ok thanks for the advice and heads-up, I'll certainly take it under consideration, I won't worry too much about it right now until I get a little closer to that age, I had a blood test a few years ago, a complete test, and I was fine, but thanks.

12 Re: An Appropriate Topic Here...LOL on Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:59 am

Guest


Guest
SSC wrote:This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

This one is my favorite ! Laughing

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